You Carry a Lot, and the Pressure Never Lets Up
Online psychotherapy for capable adults dealing with anxiety, burnout, overthinking, self-criticism, and relationship strain.

Serving New Jersey and Florida

Self-help books, meditation apps, advice from people who sound very sure of themselves…Everyone sees you as a success.

But you feel like you’re failing.

The pressure to get it right at work, with your family, and in relationships grows day by day.

You know how to handle responsibility. That is what you do. But your mind will not shut off.

“I’ve tried everything.”

Self-help books, meditation apps, AI apps that help you think things through, advice from people who sound very sure of themselves…

But the more you struggle, the more stuck you feel.

You need something more than another quick fix.

Joan* couldn’t escape her fear of failure.

Joan grew up in the shadow of her older sister and was always determined to get ahead.

She did. Always working hard and despite learning disabilities worked her way up the corporate ladder. At age 30, she is on track to have a “C” suite office before her 35th birthday.

She has survived a few bosses from hell. One worked her day and night while throwing hints that he couldn’t really expect a woman to get everything done. Another boss was extremely friendly until she realized that Joan was more talented than her. She turned into an unimaginably abusive boss. Joan had to leave her job to save her sanity.

Then Joan landed a position in a large old franchise that was restructuring and looking for new, young blood. Director of Marketing. All the signs are that she is valued and succeeding.

She is not convinced. It just does not feel like success.

She does presentations. She expects her boss’s criticism with every deck she prepares, even though he praises her each time. The anxiety is taking over her life. Last weekend was her nephew’s birthday party, and she was miserable thinking about finishing her work. Checking her emails Sunday evening took her from her husband, and then she was up at 4:30 AM to make sure that her boss had something before the day started.

“If this goes on, I will work myself to death,” she thinks. “My family is beginning to grow distant. Nobody, not even my supportive husband, understands me.”

Sometimes, other thoughts go through her mind. “If I fail, the entire family will fall apart. We will have to sell the house, and we can’t pay for the kids’ school. We will be destitute if I have to look for a new position.”

Ever since he was 16 years old, nothing could stop Jack*.

His dream was to be a great lawyer. Jack knew that you need “what it takes” to succeed in the legal profession. He lived with the motto, “If it is difficult, it can take a long time. If it is impossible, it might take a little bit longer.”

He excelled in law school and befriended a professor who helped him land a job in a prestigious firm. Working 70-80 hours a week was grueling. But he knew that with his grit, he would make it.

He has a house in a good community, a wife who is a gem, and three kids. But he still needs to perform. Not quite a partner, he feels that if he makes one mistake or does not have enough billable hours, or loses a case, everything will go up in flames.

Worse, his wife is losing her patience. She has told him that she wants a husband. He doesn’t really know his kids. When was the last time he went to his daughter’s soccer game? Went to a PTA meeting? Two hours over the grill on July 4th, it still feels like his life is burning at both ends. He looks at those hotdogs and thinks of them as a metaphor for his own life.

Jack knows something is wrong. He is enjoying less and getting angrier.

But going to therapy? “It will ruin my career,” he thinks.

Rob* and Susan* are a couple in love and married for five years.

Rob is the emotional one and has been yearning for a baby for a few years. He has told Susan a few times, but she was not sure. She travels a lot for work negotiating contracts for her company, and she has her career path in her mind.

Susan is organized and works great when there is a good plan. Rob, the spontaneous one, is a software engineer. He was getting frustrated and even worse when they learned that they would need IVF treatment. When that news came, Susan could not jump into that process without knowing how she would deal with that potentially painful process.

And a painful process it was – three attempts and months of pain and daily early morning doctor visits. Every time there was a setback, Susan became more frightened and anxious because she “knew” that she was in for more suffering.

Rob was optimistic. He tried to give her words of encouragement, and they always backfired. That made Susan even more anxious and irritable. Rob was getting resentful because all he wanted to do was make things easier, and it felt like he was making Susan suffer more.

Restoration, healing, and connection take work…

But it is so worth it!

Joan and I worked together for less than six months. During our time together, I helped her restore her confidence. Honestly, I don’t know if she has made it to the “C” suite yet. But she no longer sees one mistake as the end of everything.

Over time, Jack began to see that the part of him that could not stop working was not trying to ruin his life. It was trying to make sure that he never failed.

That did not mean it was right. But once he could understand it, he had more choice.

He learned to separate work from life. To enjoy his time away from work and the challenges that work gave him. It was hard work. But Jack was not going to shy away from the hard work of saving his life and family

The doctor said that Susan needs to work on her anxiety. Yeah, right… Of course she does. But Rob needed to work on something too.

When Susan gets scared, Rob tries to make it better. That is what he does. He gives her reasons that it will work out. He tells her that she is strong. He does whatever he can to take the fear away.

But Susan does not hear that. She hears, “You do not get how bad this is.” Then she gets more anxious and more irritable. Rob gets frustrated and hurt, and he tries even harder to make it better. Both of them are trying. Both of them feel alone. Only when they could see what each one was bringing into the relationship could they really come together.

And, by the way, the fourth implantation carried to a healthy baby boy. But before they knew that, Rob and Susan had already begun to find a different way of being together.

Like Joan, Jack, Rob, and Susan, you are working very hard to make things better. It is time to figure out why the things you have been doing are not working. We can do that together—with care, confidentiality, and a real plan.

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Let’s Talk

They call me Doc Ari (not Daiquiri).

Some call me Dr. Hahn. Or Just Ari.

It is all good. Whatever you call me, I will answer.

I have been working in psychology since 1975 and as a therapist since 1987. When I started on this road, I was taught that therapy has to take many years. I never really bought into that hogwash. “What a waste of time and money,” I thought. There must be a better way.

I spent years learning Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I became an expert in it. I learned how to find the thoughts that keep people anxious, depressed, angry, or stuck—and how to challenge them, change them, and practice something different.

Along the way, I kept running into the same question. A person could understand exactly what was happening in their mind. They could see the thought, recognize where it came from, and even agree with a different way of looking at it. And still, something inside seemed unwilling to let it go.

I wanted to understand that something. That search eventually led me to Internal Family Systems. And it gave me a deeper way to understand what was happening inside people.

My goal has always been to help you build enough peace inside that anxiety, depression, and the problems in your relationships no longer have to do so much work for you. Then we can begin to build the kind of internal peace that makes change possible—in your life and in your relationships.

IFS changed the way I use CBT. It helps us understand the part of you that is holding on tightly, pushing you hard, or trying to keep you safe.

Of course, I cannot do this for you. You are the one who has to build that peace inside. My job is to help you see the road clearly, point out the places where you keep getting stuck, and give you tools you can use in real life.

Changing patterns that have been with you for years is hard work. You know that. You may have read about them, thought about them, and even agreed with a new way of looking at them. But when something really gets to you, there you are again. Doing the thing you promised yourself you would stop doing.

That’s the catch, right? Knowing what you need to do and doing it when you are upset are two different things. So you may get a session summary, something specific to practice, or a check-in—whatever will give you the best chance of bringing the work into your real life.

I do not give up. If you are dedicated, I will be even more dedicated. And if we get stuck, I will not stay stuck. I consult with other therapists constantly because every person I work with is unique, and the craft of therapy is a skill that can be improved daily. Like a virtuoso pianist, a world-class athlete, or a master negotiator, to be really good, you never stop improving.

If you want to live with more peace inside and less anxiety, depression, or trouble in your relationships, give me a call. We can talk about what is going on and decide whether I am the right person to help.